Day 38: Vampires Suck

So its been two and a half weeks since the newest shit stain Twilight Trilogy movie came out and its racked up an amazing (and sadly sadly pathetic) $231 million in America. Now I'm fairly convinced that by now I'm the only person in America that is not just apathetic about this suddenly "hip" vampire phenomenon, I actually kind of hate it. Since when did vampires become the most popular thing ever? Where did this Twilight bullshit come from? True Blood, I can't really comment on you, but based on the ten minutes of one episode I did watch I can say that it does have some things in common with Twilight...both have terrible fucking acting. It's really not just that these vampires are whiny, white-faced tweens that really bothers me, its also that I can't think of who to blame for this new wave of vampire suckitude. I'd blame the former administration or the radical right wing party, but by doing so I'd have to concede that they could have actually made it through the some 3,000 pages of Stephanie Myers drivel--and as mentioned before we know that's simply not possible.

Vampires used to be cool, when I was growing up we had The Lost Boys, Bram Stoker's Dracula, Interview with a Vampire, Simon Belmont in the Castlevania video games, even the vampiric father on the Munsters. Vampires weren't these white faced Emo hipster twats walking around shirtless and crying about a girl they can't be with. My vampires are bad asses, they don't take shit from anyone, especially fourteen year old wolf boys.

The vampires I knew wouldn't mope around all night and sulk themselves to sleep during the day while cradling a lock of their crush's hair and listening to Adia by Sarah McLachlan. Ab-so-lutely fucking not! The vampires I grew up knowing would break into the window of their mopey crush and bite the shit out of her neck. Only once he was convinced that she was going to also turn into a vampire, he'd leave her room go down the hall and bite the shite out of her parents and brothers and sisters necks turning them all into vampires (and presumably some sort of harem). This newly vampirized family would then continue to feast on all households in the vicinity until their neighborhoods were dry and then they'd move on to the next small foggy hamlet (which is always just over the hill).

These vampires were psychotic murderers who's purpose in life was to feed on the living, that was it...why did this have to change? Why oh why Stephanie Myers did you have to mix the vampires and Dawson's Creek? Why do these vampires have to be Emo? Did they listen to to much of The Cure or some other crappy newer Emo band? You've now tainted the genre, nobody can say the word vampire without thinking of your Twilight books...Of course that's what you were going for...but damn you!

I guess what this really boils down to is that these movies aren't targeted towards me, I can handle that, but why and how did 14 year old teenage girls suddenly become the target market for vampires? And why do many of my female friends insist that this series is "the best thing they've ever read"? Is it because its the only thing they've ever read? Probably not, but maybe instead its not really the books; but rather, its the readers (and moviegoers) becoming a part of a bigger movement. Maybe this is the new generation's Star Wars, only totally dumbed down, poorly acted, and an overall steaming pile of shit. Its possible I guess, I'm just disappointed we couldn't do better than this...

Speaking of which, only 2.5 weeks till Avatar in Imax 3D.